I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
You Might Also Like
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Running from your problems is cardio .
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday