I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor