@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@LockWilford

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

@FredTaming

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

@notmythirdrodeo

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.