“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
DAD: You’re adapted.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles
Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.
alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower
“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”
Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?
[jaws theme plays]
Shark groom: omg she’s here