[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.
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Cashier: Want carry-out help?
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]
Her: my elbows are dry
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
doctor: i have your blood test here
doctor: you failed
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.