@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

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@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

@dsmitty62

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@nyquills

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@3sunzzz

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

@Fickle_Filly

Me:
1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.

@WigCannon

alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower

@Mr_Kapowski

“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?