Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
Does the 1 thing a possum can
He gets scared
And plays dead
it’s just the possum man
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I call my husband current…
He likes it better than number two.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.