@FlyJ_

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

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@MarfSalvador

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@Reverend_Scott

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

@d_duhwit

Possum man
Possum man
Does the 1 thing a possum can
Trouble looms
Over head
He gets scared
And plays dead
Look out
it’s just the possum man

@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

@corinnemlwsw

I call my husband current…
He likes it better than number two.

@schumoo

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.