@2tickytacky

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

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@Parkerlawyer

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

@jwoodham

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

@caseytduncan

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

@Epygma

*i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
NOOOOOOO

@RodLacroix

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

@Marlebean

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@pilau

me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired

@KimmyMonte

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

@WritePlay

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol