Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
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I pooped in 8 stores today.
2 of them had restrooms.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
7yo: can I order for you?
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.