I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
You Might Also Like
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Perfection.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.