@2tickytacky

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

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@StevieKnip

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

@GuyThe_Guy

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

@Jandalize

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@ThisOneSayz

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

@captainkalvis

[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@ArfMeasures

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

@UnFitz

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.