I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?


I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.


Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.


Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”


*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!


[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE


ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me


“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me


ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome


Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.