I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
In Canada they just call them geese
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.