I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
You Might Also Like
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work