It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.