Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Free him
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.