I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Des Moines Police having a normal one
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow