Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
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Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Dayton hoops player has a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night.
Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.