@Parkerlawyer

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

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@Cpin42

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@TedInModeration

Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues

@StinkyGr33n

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

@MarfSalvador

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

@JasonLastname

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

@aksorojas

Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.