I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top


This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.


Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.


[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”


Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.


If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.


[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car


People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.


Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out