@Darlainky

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

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@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@robfee

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

@mattgallo123

Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.

@TheHyyyype

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

@MrsFancyPants77

Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

@Chumpstring

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@jimmytorosian

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out