@RamblingMachine

I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.

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@DannyZuker

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.

@erichwithach

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

@_little_old_me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@donni

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

@DanLaMorte

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

@Browtweaten

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

@Gupton68

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?