I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying


[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.


I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.


MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.


*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”


{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.


By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start


Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!


[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings


4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop


Apparently I negotiate with terrorists