I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
we’re dead?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.