@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

You Might Also Like

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.

@tragecies

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
“Thanks”
Step kids?
“Nope”
Adopted?
“No..”
..
“..”
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”

@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

@TweetPotato314

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@TeaAndCopy

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

@Cheeseboy22

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@bonehugsnirony

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

@Jerrypleasure

[first day as an archaeologist]

ME: *digging*

COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired