I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs