I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
why does this building look like a guilty dog
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.