Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere