@BombChelleMama

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

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@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@LeafsCommunity

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@9GAG

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

@ozzyunc

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.