Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Stupid cats stealing all our women.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.