I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Still cracks me up
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
mentally somewhere in italy
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Beware of fowl play.