@KevinBuffalo

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

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@NINETIREDBUGS

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@thatUPSdude

“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids

@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@juneohara65

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

@tony_ferraro7

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

@CheeseDaydreams

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

@Shenaniglenns

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours

@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!