I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.


“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion


Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands


Yes, in fact I DO know what it’s like to bleed like crazy once a month. That’s my flossing schedule.


I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?


I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.


I wouldn’t take a bullet for you but I’d definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.


[on phone]
mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it ‘pokey-man’