i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
You Might Also Like
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“It’s only arson if you get caught”
~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!