Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!