i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what