My family leaves lights on that I didn’t even know we had.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
This is just a bottomless Pitt
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
License and registration please.
Are you drunk sir?
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Dad: I had a son once
Stranger: what happened to him?
D: he touched the thermostat
Kid: dad, I’m like right here
D: you hear something?