@danadonly

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

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@ClichedOut

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

@shadygrenade

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?