I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.

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*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*


Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.


FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.


When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying “Good answer” like people on Family Feud.


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying


I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker


Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister


One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.


“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..


Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.