@Home_Halfway

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

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@UncleDuke1969

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

@OfficeofSteve

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@sarcasticmommy4

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

@_steamy_mac

Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.

@WineMummy

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@dumbbeezie

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school