I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*


My ex-wife’s wedding was last weekend, so I sent a cardboard cut-out of myself holding a cardboard cut-out of a wedding present.


How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.


peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit


The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision


WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.


Judge “Why are you divorcing her?”

Me “She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody.”

J “You get half her stuff.”

*air guitar solo*