I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.