*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.