if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.