@sissyknits

I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.

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@TheAlexNevil

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

@daddydoubts

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

@TheBoydP

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

@VolatileVani

There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

@E_lok44

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.