Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.
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I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
what do i do next