I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You Might Also Like
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad: