I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
the council will decide your fate
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Tuesday
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.