@3sunzzz

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

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@U_Want_Shum_M8

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

@khook32

My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.

@TheSharona06

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

@copymama

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

@dlockw21

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”