I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
You Might Also Like
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more