What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
You Might Also Like
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”