Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*