My first son he is wonderful
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
No but I feel like you’re on the right track
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
god: make a giant mouse
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing