I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh