I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
This will never not be funny to me.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them