I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.