Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.