I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Not even remotely sorry.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket