I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.


SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?


DAD: You’re not a dog.


Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.


Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.


“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs


I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”


I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.


Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.