I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me, flirting😏
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.