I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I love twitter
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
then why did i get this email