I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
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Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
the clam before the storm
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.