I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Breaking news:
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.