I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Sing it!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening