@Brianhopecomedy

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

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@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

@MoneypennyNaked

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@Office_Dolt

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@AtticusFinch79

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

@karlainvt

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

@kaynecaraway

I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.