I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Perfect