I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

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[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop


I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.


When the wife says, “Would you rather spend time with your imaginary friends than with me?” “Yeah, kind of.” Is not the right answer.


Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.


I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.


[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*


When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”


me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola


Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right


i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly