[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop
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I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
When the wife says, “Would you rather spend time with your imaginary friends than with me?” “Yeah, kind of.” Is not the right answer.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.
I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly