I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
You Might Also Like
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*