gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
You Might Also Like
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings