I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”