I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.