@ChickenMclovin: I told my sandwich to "go make me a girlfriend"
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@randomlawless: When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they're like "I'm lactose intolerant."
@ibid78: I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."
@PhilJamesson: Realtor: It's a four-story building. Me: Nice! Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere Me: What? Realtor: It's cozy