I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.