@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

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@Blonde4Dayz

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

@3_arbutus

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

@SteveKoehler22

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@GoodNaps

*in court*
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@flashember

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks