I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
awkward
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *