I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play