I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
You Might Also Like
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????