@NotTodayEric

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

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@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

@mrsmith196645

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

@sammyrhodes

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.

@ItsAndyRyan

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@Sarcasticsapien

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”