I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

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“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say


No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.


[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark


When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.


Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.


Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.


23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?


Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.


[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”