Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.